"Welcome to Health & Safety Con, before you come through the door we'd like to run through our safety procedures it'll only take an hour or two of your time. Don't forget to don your yellow hi-vis vests and safety hats. The member of staff by the door is checking to ensure everyone entering is proparly protected by a thick layer of cotton wool. Now we've gone out of our way to ensure all scary characters - orcs, Star Wars characters, Horror costumers and tv fitness personalities are made to look as cute and cudly as possible - we are very pleased with our main attraction Tiny Pink Darth Vader and his foam rainbow lightsaber. At 5 foot tall we hope you'll agree he's not very scary.
Attendies to this con are encouraged not to bring sharp objects - pens, pencils, sticks and the like. Anyone found to be carrying such an impliment must fit a pink rubber cap over the end or you'll be asked to leave.
We at Health & Safety Con hope you have a fun day, but not too exciting as it may exasperate any existing heart condition you may have"