Rough Draft of my First person story

Chapter one Once again with that feeling
"Je'Karta Prudii?" I said with a hint of fear.
He then Replied "Yes,Zuka?"
"Will any of us Die today?" i replied
He then turned his answer into a moral booster
"No Mandalorian will Die this Battle"
He was wrong, Terribly wrong
Another survivor the the Battle, Galaak, then yelled "thermal Det,Hit the dirt!"
i ran to the detonator throwing it toward the Nearest group of jedi, Exploding in a loud roar and sending the Charred peices of the Jedi toward my position, and also blowing a mandalorian back. Je'Karta responded to the situation with Speed and ran toward the mandalorian and started to tend too him.
The unthinkable happened a single jedi ran toward Je'Karta, stabbing him in the back while he was tending to the Mandalorian who then later died due to his wounds, I was enraged, I turned my charge up to 1000 Volts and Ran towards the Jedi Blindly When i reached him i yelled " Die Jedi bastard!" and then gripped his skull, sending a shock through his soon to be a corpse burning his entire body within seconds it caused his blood too break out his corpse splattering all over Je'Karta's Dying body and Myself, the jedi was Dead turned too literal ashes Je'Karta then said his last words "Thank you, i always wanted too be blood soaked when i died you our now the best me-" He then Died i Roared Defiantly then Gripped My Mandalorian ripper and
Yelled "Come out from your hiding spots you Jedi Bastards! I'll KILL YOU ALL I'LL KRIFFING KILL ALL YOU BASTARDS!"
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I'll add more But Feedback?

haha very nice ner'vod! The last part IS true, Prudii DID want to be blood soaked when he died!! So congratulations and I can't wait for more!

nice nice I like how im Gaalak is in there for a little bit (me) be nice if he showed up more though

All im gonna say is the last 2 sentances repeat body and bastard a lot, lol. I would suggest fixing up this sentance.

I was enraged, I turned my charge up to 1000 Volts and Ran towards the Jedi Blindly When i reached him i yelled " Die Jedi bastard!" and then gripped his skull, sending a shock through his body burning his entire body within seconds it caused his blood too break out his body splattering all over Je'Karta's Dying body and Myself,

a lot of "body" in there lol

besides a bit of comma spliceing its really good bro

Pacx become a mando again!11

Who threw the detonator in the first place?

Allow me to do some revision of the story:

'Je'Karta?' I said, a hint of fear in my voice
'...yes?' he replied as he took his helmet from the table near the wall.
'How many of us will die today?' I asked, trying to disguise the fear in my voice.
'As long as we do our job properly...' he said, boosting morale as best he could - 'None of us.'

He was wrong. Terribly wrong.

As we stormed out of our trench, I could hear the screams of dying Mandalorians all around me as Jedi tore them apart. Galaak, commander of the 81st Elite Corps shouted 'Thermal detonator! Hit the dirt, now!'. I could barley hear his voice over the screams and explosions. In blind panic, I ran towards the thermal, picked it up and just before I heard the beep signalling its detonation, threw it to the nearest group of Jedi. They didn't see it coming - their lifeless corpses thrown to the dusty ground beside me. A Mandalorian soldier had also been hit by the blast, his helmet falling into a pool of muddy water. Je'Karta took the syringe from his gauntlet and before the soldier could shout 'MEDIC!', Prudii was there. He took a painkilling drug from his belt and injected it into the wounded flesh, and ignoring the soldier's screams, began cutting the shrapnel out of the charred skin. It was then the unthinkable happened - a Jedi master ran toward Prudii, deflecting every shot that came his way. He sliced two soldiers in half and eventually reached Prudii and his patient - stabbing him in the back. Prudii screamed and as the Jedi slime sliced Prudiis arm off, I charged towards him, yelling the ancient battle cry of the Mandalorians - 'PRA MANDALOOOOOOOORE' - the Jedi looked my way as I grabbed his skull and threw my fist up his neck, breaking it instantly. I threw corpse to the ground and knelt down to Je'Karta and his dead patient. Prudii tried to sit up but he couldn't - he was lying face down in the dirt as his bloodstained armour burnt. 'T-thank you, Zuka... I always wanted to... be bloodstained when I died.... the 101st.... take care of it...' Prudii said, his speech laboured. I screamed a battle cry and yelled 'COME OUT, JEDI SLIME! COME OUT, COWARD!!!!'

I like it!

Second Chapter Jedi butcher
I raised my ripper at a group of jedi. I fire five consecutive shots. Each Energy propelled Slug fires toward the jedi.
First shot Rips through the Head and comes out In the back of her Cranium with massive amounts of blood following
Second Shot Hits The Verpine jedi in the eye Crushing it and ripping into the Brain cavity, and ripping out with His Entire Brain Following.
Third shot Rips into his mouth sending his teeth everywhere, it then Rips outs through the Back of his lower skull.
Fourth shot, Rips through her Trachea, bursts the Carotid Arteries and the jugular Vein creating a bloody mess.
Fifth shot, Hits Him in between the eyes Splattering blood and Brain everywhere it then Goes out Bringing more brain with it.
All the jedi Fall in consecutive order with there lightsabers dis igniting with them.
Out of nowhere a sixth jedi Runs toward me
I pull the trigger the bullet misses him he nearly reaches me raising his lightsaber....
To be continued in chapter three

*ahem* arrayment?

The Revision is almost Perfect I liked it when i yelled "Die Jedi bastard!"

I guess thats an Arrayment of bullets, you can revise things as you go but remember its rough draft, also keep dialogue the same when you revise some words are there for a reason

BASTARD isn't a very Mandalorian word; perhaps you could try Di'Kut or something?

Mando'a speakers, help me out here

Saz The last battle Was against Republic troopers The rebels on the planet and the jedi
This is the mandalorian civil war

Di'kut means idiot
its not necessarily a Swear word
Whereas Bastard is

I do agree that bastard isnt very mando, its more human.

Remember Levi, Zuka is Human

Zuka said:

I guess thats an Arrayment of bullets, you can revise things as you go but remember its rough draft, also keep dialogue the same when you revise some words are there for a reason

Click to expand...

It's an array of bullets.

Zuka said:

Saz The last battle Was against Republic troopers The rebels on the planet and the jedi
This is the mandalorian civil war

Click to expand...

Then set the scene, you've presumed we know exactly where your character is, you have to tell us, where, why and in the immortal words of Stewie Griffin "What the deuce?"

Seriously, it sounds like a Jedi threw the grenade.

Third chapter
A mandalorian runs up behind the Jedi
And grips his head and snaps it around with speed
It makes a gruesome nauseating crack. The snap was At such power and speed the neck ripped of the body. Stretching the veins and Arteries, and then rips the Veins and arteries sending a large amount of blood onto my armor
Then a voice over comm, oh so very familiar says "Zuka, nobody owes anyone now" It was Galaak.
Galaak then pulls out his Blaster pistol and fires one shot just barely Missing me. the shot hits a Galidraan Rebel it knocks him down and kills him
With I still in shock i stand still
An Array of blaster fire comes toward me and i become aware of my surroundings, I then Jump into cover and Start Blasting Hitting many rebels And Republic "peacekeepers".

Galaak Yells over comm to send An Evacuation Craft 20 clicks south of our position.

I rally the Remaining 101st Mandalorian medic Corps and the we retreat, While still destroying the Remaining Rebels in this Sector
After we reach the Evacuation point we board the Craft and leave for coruscant...
To be continued

Saz, this technically Branches off of Pacx's Bio so you have to read that before you read this.
In star wars: Clone wars (game) when your on a big scary animal you have thermal
Dets
And usually i enter my stories with a thing of Combat and Surprise where nobody knows where it is set until they read a little

Zuka said:

The Revision is almost Perfect I liked it when i yelled "Die Jedi bastard!"

Click to expand...

I would suggest a mando'a replacement for the word... here's some examples:

dikut- idiot
shabuir- old fool
huttuun- coward (also the worst insult a mando can throw)
aruetti- traitor/outsider/stranger