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Chuck Norris, round 2

  1. #1
    tubachris85x's Avatar
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    Chuck Norris, round 2

    Found these, never heard them till today

    Some kids **** their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can **** his name
    into concrete.


    Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck
    Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.


    Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.


    Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was
    replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and
    save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.


    Chuck Norris can speak Braille.


    Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.


    Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win
    the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get
    out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4
    card from the game Uno.


    Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.


    If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean
    Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."


    Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.


    Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating
    pain, the cobra died.


    Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the
    possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.


    Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when
    they touch his body.


    Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to
    spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing
    around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.


    Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck
    Norris will not take **** from anyone.


    Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.


    Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.


    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
    unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
    finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
    soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
    admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
    Wednesday of the month.


    When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many
    seconds you have left to live.


    If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken
    but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's ****ing beef.


    Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not
    grow on steel.


    Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
    Norris


    If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear
    Chuck Norris banging your sister.


    Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month.
    They bleed for a week as a result.


    Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.


    Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.


    Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than
    Death can process them.


    Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states
    in order to legally wear pants.


    Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the
    back of the face.


    Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.


    The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that
    Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.


    Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never
    ****s up.


    A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the
    park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly
    killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find
    bigger, better nuts than that.


    Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw
    Brett Favre even further.


    Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.


    Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.


    Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever
    asks him for his ID.


    Chuck Norris can drown a fish.


    Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And
    then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the **** Chuck Norris is


    Adding one that I heard thats not here:

    "Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity..... Chuck Norris went and got it back"

  2. #2
    I helped at SDCC '08 MandalorFett's Avatar
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    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2

    I don't think I'll be able to stop laughing till '08.

  3. #3
    deadbolt's Avatar
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    From
    Virginia
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    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2

    LOL I like this one. I haven't heard most of these.

    tubachris85x said: View Post
    If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear
    Chuck Norris banging your sister.

  4. #4
    samlynn79's Avatar
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    Twentynine Palms, CA
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    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2

    I'm crying.

  5. #5

    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2




    -Naas

  6. #6
    SarlaccBits's Avatar
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    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2

    The only one of these I can always remember is: "Did you know that Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer? Too bad Chuck Norris never cries."

  7. #7
    askywalker98's Avatar
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    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2

    Ha ha ha!!! Amazing! Thanks Tuba!

  8. #8
    never_ending_fett's Avatar
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    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2

    Those are great! Some of them I don't think I've seen before.

    I think one of my favorites is:

    When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

    for more, check out chucknorrisfacts.com

    without getting into political discussion and from a humor standpoint only: Has anybody else seen the Mike Huckabee ad with Chuck Norris? It's pretty funny.

  9. #9
    Satxer's Avatar
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    Near Cleveland, Ohio, USA
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    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2

    HAHAHAHA! That Huckabee thing was great!

    "How do I plan to enforce border control? Two words...Chuck...Norris!"

  10. #10
    TeamFett's Avatar
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    Flagstaff, Arizona
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    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2

    Usually I think these get old, but I haven't seen most of these before. Thanks for posting this.

  11. #11
    formerly LOPERO Scoutleader's Avatar
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    Hartselle,Alabama
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    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2

    Tuba I would be very careful answering that "knock" on your door
    Those are to funny :thumbup

  12. #12
    Mr Fett's Avatar
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    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2


  13. #13
    jodo's Avatar
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    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2

    That was enjoyable. Because Chuck Norris told me it was.

  14. #14
    AFettFullofDollars's Avatar
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    Mar 2004
    From
    Corbin, Ky
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    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2

    Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light on. Not because he's afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

  15. #15
    SinisterFett's Avatar
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    Nov 2007
    From
    Seoul, South Korea
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    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2

    Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King......And got one!
    Had me rolling on the floor. My Chuck Norris "T" is on the way
    Thanks for the link Mr Fett

  16. #16
    mrgr8ness's Avatar
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    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2

    Apparently Chuck doesn't find these humorous. I was a little disappointed to read this-
    http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071222/...ris_lawsuit_dc

  17. #17
    runJEDIrun's Avatar
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    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2

    i laughed so hard i choked!

  18. #18
    Zurath Kodul's Avatar
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    Northern Illinois, about 90 miles NW of Chicago and 30 mins from the Wis-Ill line
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    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2

    Hmmmm......

    Superman has "Chuck Norris" pajamas....

    Chuck was intended as a bonus character in a "Street Fighter" game, except every button made the character do a roundhouse.....when questioned about the glitch, Mr. Norris just said "it's not a glitch."

    He has counted to infinity....twice

    He held a staring contest with the sun and won

    He is the HALO Master Chief.

    He jumped into the sarlaac and gave it indigestion

    He doesn't go to a steakhouse....he just eats a cow in a field.

    He is the reason we haven't been invaded by the Klingons.

    He absorbed government secrets. After the lobotomy, the piece of his brain grew back with even more secrets.

    Bin Laden isn't hiding......Norris got to him first.

    He built Area 51.... .along with the first T-100 endoskeleton and the invincible suit of armor codenamed "Norris-X"

    He defeated Godzilla......with his tongue.
    ------------

    I have more, but I have to remember them. One requires changing the text color....how do I do that?

    Funny thing: I once had an entire message board believing I was Chuck Norris........very fun

  19. #19
    Alcfalath's Avatar
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    From
    Perth, Western Australia
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    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2

    mrgr8ness said: View Post
    Apparently Chuck doesn't find these humorous. I was a little disappointed to read this-
    http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071222/...ris_lawsuit_dc

    Chuck Norris' version of a Law-Suit, is what he is wearing in this picture, about to roundhouse the cr*p out of Peguin Publishers

  20. #20
    jodo's Avatar
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    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2

    People who buy the Chuck Norris Fact Book that think the Facts in the Chuck Norris Fact Book are true Facts need to be round house kicked in the face with a Facts About Chuck Norris Fact Book. - Off the top of my head.

  21. #21
    Alcfalath's Avatar
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    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2

    jodo said: View Post
    People who buy the Chuck Norris Fact Book that think the Facts in the Chuck Norris Fact Book are true Facts need to be round house kicked in the face with a Facts About Chuck Norris Fact Book. - Off the top of my head.
    I think that one needed a little refining.... just a bit lol... :P

  22. #22
    jodo's Avatar
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    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2

    What, you've never heard of Chuck Norris Fact Book shoes?

  23. #23
    corby's Avatar
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    Jul 2007
    From
    Parker, Colorado
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    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2

    Apparently Chuck doesn't find these humorous. I was a little disappointed to read this-
    http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071222/...ris_lawsuit_dc
    Actually He's been quoted as saying that he finds them very amusing. I think it's more that he doesn't find someone profiting off of his name without permission not humorous.

    the news article said:
    "Defendants have misappropriated and exploited Mr. Norris's name and likeness without authorization for their own commercial profit," said the lawsuit.

  24. #24

    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2

    Yeah, I think that's prolly the annoying part.

  25. #25

    Re: Chuck Norris, round 2


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