Found these, never heard them till today
Some kids **** their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can **** his name
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck
Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was
replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and
save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win
the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get
out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4
card from the game Uno.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean
Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating
pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the
possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when
they touch his body.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to
spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing
around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck
Norris will not take **** from anyone.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
Wednesday of the month.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many
seconds you have left to live.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken
but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's ****ing beef.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not
grow on steel.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear
Chuck Norris banging your sister.
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month.
They bleed for a week as a result.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than
Death can process them.
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states
in order to legally wear pants.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the
back of the face.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that
Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never
A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the
park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly
killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find
bigger, better nuts than that.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw
Brett Favre even further.
Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever
asks him for his ID.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And
then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the **** Chuck Norris is
Adding one that I heard thats not here:
"Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity..... Chuck Norris went and got it back"